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gamer-chick, tom-boy, artist, poet, hopeless-romantic, and much more.
| Saturday, January 07, 2006 |
| No more monkeys jumping on the bed |
So I finally have compentant doctor. I have had many doctors that were complete and total morons. My doctor looked and my lab work and said my cholesterol is to high for a person my age (25). So I have to go on a low fat, low calorie diet. One of my friends asked me if that would be boring. I wouldn't be able to enjoy a lot of the foods I like. But I look at it this way. I can discover so many different recipes, I think it will be neat.
One good thing is no more fast food restaurants. Not like I actually liked the food they served just because of convience. Usually my breakfasts and lunches during my work week consisted of fast food, but now I will have to change that. Which is a good thing. One thing I want to learn is how to make Mexican food but lower calorie and no cholesterol. The internet is a wonderful place that probably has some ideas on recipes. One good thing about all of this is that I will lose weight. That's always a good thing right? And because my doctor told me to it will be easier. |
posted by Kristin Michael @ 11:54 AM   |
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| Monday, January 02, 2006 |
| Not So Much |
While looking for something to write about today, I finally came around this 2005's Most Annoying Phrases. For those who don't want to click the link here they are:
Words Lake Superior State has banished "for mis-use,
over-use and general uselessness":
- Surreal
- Hunker down
- Person of interest
- Community of learners
- Up-or-down vote
- Breaking news
- Designer breed
- FEMA
- First-time caller
- Pass the savings on to you!
- 97% fat-free
- An accident that didn't have to happen
- Junk science
- Git-r-done
- Dawg
- Talking points
- Holiday tree
Now, some of these I never heard, like; "Up-or-down vote" and "Community of learners". Community of learners? What the hell is that? Is it school go-ers? Who knows. I will have to agree with "Holiday Tree" and "Git-r-done". I live in Florida, I have been hearing that for more years then Larry the Cable guy has been saying it. Again, because of Florida, I've heard "Hunker Down" to many times. The outstanding people us Floridians are created a drinking game in which ever time you heard "Hunker Down", you take a drink. I would be drunk ten minutes into the weather broadcast. (It probably didn't help that I was switching channels so much).
"Holiday Tree" is a price of crap. It is a fucking Christmas Tree. And you know how I know that? During Hanukkah, you do not put up a tree and decorated it. Its not part of tradition. If we are going to call it a "Holiday Tree" Then we will call the Menorah a "Holiday Candle holder" I'm not taking anything from the Jewish faith, I am just trying to make a point. America needs to learn to be less politically correct. Its ruining what this country was formed on. But I guess thats another blog entry. Most of these other sayings, I could care less about. Its most likely because I don't hear them as much, as I really don't listen to talk radio, or watch TV.
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| posted by Kristin Michael @ 1:31 PM |
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| Sunday, January 01, 2006 |
| Never drink Alcohol while PMSing |
So last night, New Years Eve. I don't usually do anything, except maybe go over to a friend's house. This morning I had to be at work at 10:00 am , so I decide just to hang out at home. Right now I'm living back hat home partly to save money, partly to help my family out. So I was alone until about 11:00 pm. My mom came home about 11:15, and I was talking to her, then it happened, nervous break down time. I talked about how I repress my feeling, how I'm depressed, I don't feel like I'm good enough. It was decided that I need to move out, but not till I get help. I will probably start seeing a therapist this month, and start the progression to move forward in my life.
I don't think anything traumatic happened in my life. I think one day I just started repressing my feelings of love and anger. I don't know why. My friends call me cold hearted because it's hard for me to cry in a movie. Well, it is true; I find it very hard to cry in a movie. But there are sometimes I bawl like a baby. Like when going to Disney and watching as parade, or a fireworks show. I don't know its weird.
Repressing my feelings has always affected my relationships, or lack there of. I now feel bad for my ex, Justin. He tried, I just couldn't show him. I don't think I was ever in love with him. But I pretended because that's what I was supposed to feel, but honestly I don't know what I was feeling at all. The main question is do I know what love is at all. I mean I love my friends, and I love my parents. But love where I love a man, to where I want to be with him? I don't know if I've ever felt that. My father, and my grandfather, and my brothers, I love. But I don't know if I ever was shown love by them, which could also be why I don't show love. I love my guy friends. But I don't know to what extent. I guess that the therapist will go over all of that. |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 11:35 AM |
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| Saturday, December 31, 2005 |
| And to wrap it up... |
So the end of 2005, what has the year shown me? Let me think about that. In one year I started a new position at my company, and got promoted about 9 months later. So I would say that was good.
I meet someone who totally made me look at what type of guy I really want. I always thought it would be someone like him. He was spontaneous, smart, talkative, and funny. But I realized something. You can have everything that you want in someone and still don't want them. Because it's not about those four things. There is a deeper personality that I have yet to discover. Or maybe, I'm the type of person that is hard to please and will never be happy with anyone I find. (I could go to therapy for that).
I realized that President Bush is one of the most idiotic presidents that we have ever had. That idiocy has led me to stop watching the news. Not only because of President Bush, of all politicians. I love how they say "He is just playing politics". What the fuck? Of course Politicians play politics. That is what they are supposed to do.
I have lessened my TV watching. I only watch about 2 hours a week. If at the most I watch 3. I have to love my DVR (digital video recorder) I record the three shows I watch then watch it all when I have time, or make the time. I found myself buying a lot less crap. I just can't even really stand TV anymore. They have like 20 shows that are crime related with all a different twist on them. Because instead of creating something new the producers are just followers. If something is popular, then they all copy that. I mean give me some variety!
I don't listen to any new music; again because I really just don't like the direction it's going in. I have resorted to going back to Ska and punk. Mostly the old stuff. I didn't get much into it when I was younger, so I'm discovering a lot of awesome bands and groups. The radio is just ridiculous, it is all owned by Clear Channel, and plays more commercials then actual songs. So yeah I'm done with that too. But I will tell you one thing, I do want an IPod. (I'm not totally commercial things)
That is just a summery of that happened last year. So what is in store for 2006? Will I find love? Will I exercise more? Will I keep my blog updated? I don't make resolutions, who really keeps them? |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 2:14 PM |
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| Friday, December 30, 2005 |
| Another poem |
This is one from my one and only love. I just found out he moved back to the city where I live. Part of me wonders if he is married, or single. I never had a really ending with him, and part of me does. Just so I can finally get over him and maybe have a relationship with out wondering if I was missing out on something.
Perfect
You walk in the door
Its been so long
I notice the way you walk
That's what attracted me to you
It's perfect
Just like you
Every inch shows no mistake
But I am not so perfect
And I don't know if you'll understand
I have a shaded past
But I have changed inside and out
I want you to see me the way I am now
I want to be with you
You could help me be
The way I yearn to be
I want to be
I want you to see
I need you to
Complete me
I will wait for the day
When we can be together
Maybe over time I can be perfect
So I can be with you |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 10:27 PM |
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| Old Poem |
I wrote this poem right out of high school. I think it kinda sucks now.. well kinda lame. I think I am going to post some more... If I find them. I have one really good one about suicide, but I really wasn't going to commit sucide. I'm not that kind of person.
Before
Take me on a magic carpet ride
Before the magic dies
Walk hand and hand with me on beaches
Before the water dries
Spend the night with me
Before you leave me
Look into my eyes deeply
Before they are a memory
Touch me softly with you strong hands
Before I long for them again
Kiss me with you love
Before the night ends
Hold me tight, next to you
Before you have to let go
Say you love me
Before you break my heart
*edit - put in was instead of wasn't |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 10:07 PM |
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| Saturday, December 24, 2005 |
| A little update |
| So where have I been some might say. I have been sucked into a vitrual world. With Nightelves, Orcs, Gnomes, Trolls, Dwarves, Tauren, Humans, and the Undead. Yes, World of Warcraft. This game easily pulled me in with the promise of taking me to new worlds. Have I been taken to new worlds? Well, yes, kind of. The game might have not been that bad if I didn't use it as an escape from reality (which I've been needing), without taking illegal drugs. I hear what you are saying "Everybody needs social interaction." Thats exactly what I got! I've meet people from all of the country with the same personality as I have, so it makes it harder to quit the game. I enjoy talking with them and joking around. Now you say "Talking, you mean typing in a chatroom, right" No!!! actually talking. The internet is a wonderful place where you can download a program and have voice chat. Its so weird, in the 3 months I have been playing I have formed a strange relationship with these people where it seems like we have been friends forever. Yes, I still go out with my RL (Real life) friends. I guess some people just need an outlet sometimes, and this is mine. I guess that will be done with this one soon. Fads pass easily. I want to come back to this fad as I enjoy this as well. |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 7:07 PM |
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| Sunday, May 22, 2005 |
| Innocent Conversations (Part 2) |
I had started working with Stan in 2000; he was a pretty cool guy. We hit it off instantly. We had a lot in common, and I would tell him about my troubles, and he would tell me about his. It was great. I had a guy friend that I could talk to and ask for advice about guys. It was never more than friendship, I knew it and he knew it. We never talked about dating, partly because he wasn’t attracted to me, and I knew he was an alcoholic. All of his stories always started with, “One time I was drunk and…” I could never be with someone like that mostly because I knew what alcohol did to people.
Stan ended up quitting his job in November 2002; I barely spoke to him after that. I would see him at the local bar and say hi and catch up, but that was about it. In May of 2003 our mutual friend from work was getting married and he was invited. I was excited to see Stan because it had been awhile. I never knew how the night would turn out.
At the reception Stan got hammered. I wanted to make sure he was okay so a lot of times I wouldn’t leave his side. Mostly I was afraid of what he would say. I didn’t help; he said a lot of things that hurt people, but never a bad word towards me. My sister and I drove him back to the hotel where we were staying to make sure he got there okay.
Later on that evening, before I was supposed to meet my friends in the lobby I got a knock at my door. It was Stan, he asked me if I wanted to talk and I agreed. I went back to his hotel room and we started talking. Every thing started of very innocent. I could tell he was still drunk, and I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t hurt himself so I stayed longer than I should have.
I was sitting in the chair that was adjacent from his bed when it all started. He kneeled down in front of me and started kissing me. At first I was shocked, then disgusted. It was one of the worst kisses I have received. It was sloppy and very disorganized. I tried to pull back, mostly because I couldn’t get up, as he was in front of me. He just leaned forward and grabbed my breast. I stopped kissing him and I said I had to leave. He told me that I had nowhere to go, so I should just stay. He picked me up from the chair and put me on the bed. He started kissing me again and got on top of me. He was stronger than I was so I couldn’t move. At this point I knew that I was stuck.
At that moment I heard a knock at the door. I was thrilled, it was my sister making sure I was all right; before I could answer he told her we were doing fine and just talking. My sister was smart and she new something was not right. When she left, he closed the door and pinned me on the wall and began to run his hands all over my body. I wanted to scream, but I knew that I couldn’t. He grabbed my arm and led me to the bed again. This time he started undressing me. I told him I didn’t want to do this, and he said we weren’t doing anything. But I knew that he was lying. He was still dressed and I at least had my undergarments on, and he climbed on top of me. I again told him no, and he said that it would be okay, and to trust him. I knew that couldn’t trust him. The alcohol blinded him.
This time there was not a knock at the door, I heard my name being called from the open door. All of a sudden; strength I never knew I had came to me. He told me not to leave, but I told him if I didn’t answer then they would come in and everything would be over. When I got to the door I noticed that the slider on the door was preventing the door from being closed. I got to the door and it was my friend Joan, she said that we were all doing downstairs and she was making sure I was coming. I told Stan I had to go, he wanted to stop me but he knew he couldn’t, as Joan was bigger then he was and she had my hand. I never told them what had happened. They always figured that they were saving me from myself, and at that time I couldn’t tell them otherwise. That night I lost trust in guys again. He never raped me but he came close, and I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me again.
The next morning there was a knock at the door. My sister answered it and it was Stan, he said he couldn’t remember anything from the night before and wanted us to let him know if he should be prepared for backlash. Since my sister didn’t know the truth she just told him about the reception. He stated, all he could remember was the first part of the reception, then waking up. I was pissed that he didn’t remember what he almost did to me. I wanted to scream at him, but I knew it would make things worse. So I just let everything go.
After the wedding, I started drinking. I would drink 4 to 5 times a week to escape reality. The next time I saw Stan was at the local bar, he came up and said to the group I was with, I got up, got me a drink and went outside. I wanted an apology, but I knew I wasn’t going to get one.
After five months of drinking, I finally realized what I was doing and I stopped. Since then I still drink, but not as much. I don’t do it to escape anymore. I found my art and writing a better escape. I have seen Stan a few time since then, and had a decent conversation with him. Mostly because I realized that I was over what had happened and I knew there was nothing I could do to change him. The last time I saw him, he confided that he had stopped drinking mostly because of his knew job. He was going to become a paramedic. I was happy for him. He had turned his life around.
Since the wedding I have explained to my sister and Joan of the circumstances that night. I told them I owed them so much, which I could not explain. I still don’t know how the door stayed opened that night. But I thank god that it did. |
| posted by Kristin Michael @ 1:29 AM |
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| About Me |
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Name: Kristin Michael
Home: Middletown, Universe, United States
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