Confessions of a.....: Innocent Conversations (Part 1).

Confessions of a.....

gamer-chick, tom-boy, artist, poet, hopeless-romantic, and much more.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Innocent Conversations (Part 1).

It all started with an innocent conversation. It happened almost 10 years ago but I still remember most of the details. I was 14; you know the age where you start to rebel against your parents. That’s what I thought I was doing. But, now I realized I started a down hill trend that has affected me for years. At this time I didn't much like myself. I found myself disgusting and repulsive. Looking back that seems to be quite silly.

I was over at my friend Jennifer's house; we were as best of friends that anyone could be at that age. We shared everything. When I arrived there she was talking to this guy on the phone, his name was Rodney. He was 19. She was laughing and giggling and talking about sex. At age I was curious. Then she handed me the phone. I started talking with him and he told me that he could tell I was beautiful. He told me every thing I needed to hear at this time. He asked me to be his girlfriend. How could anyone in my state of mind say no? He knew this. I know I have had not meet him at this time, but I knew that he would somehow make my life better.

Then everything went bad. One night he asked me to masturbate for him on the phone. I didn't want to, but he said if I loved him I would. Who was I to argue with that? So I did, and he returned the favor. I remember being quite sick afterwards. I felt dirty. This continued on for a few months. "Kristin, if you love you will do this." "Kristin, if you love me you will do that." I only felt obligated to do so. I was not able to have any other guy friends and he threatened to tell my parents the truth if I ever disobeyed him. At this time my parents though he was a guy at my school.

Then came the big day, he asked me to marry him. For a brief second, I thought " I've never met this guy, he has no idea what I look like, why would he want to marry me." He could tell I had reservations, and he told me that I was the most special girl in the world and he could never think of a world with out me. So I did, I said yes. Then I knew I had to meet him.

I knew I couldn't meet him in my neighborhood, mostly because at this time I was still scared of him. So I conspired with my friend Jen to let me meet him there. She promised me her and her twin sister Jaimie would not leave me alone. I met him at a convenience store by her neighborhood. When he saw me he started hugging me and then he leaned into kiss me. At that moment I was more afraid then I had been my whole life. Afraid of the monster I had brought so freely into my life. I wanted to run I wanted to stop kissing him but he had this strange power over me. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. I thought that he was the only who could love me.

We started walking around her neighborhood and I turned around and Jen and Jaimie were gone. I was alone, alone with the monster that said he loved me. I didn't want to be alone. He took me to the park and sat me on a bench. As he stood in front of me I realized that I couldn't break free. I was alone. I had created this. He started fondling my breasts and my vagina. I wanted to run so badly. I envisioned myself running from him. I didn't want to be there. I wanted my friends to rescue me. But there they were nowhere to be seen. The time finally arrived for him to leave. He kissed me and placed my hand on his crotch, he said that he was hard because he loved me so much. Then he was gone.

I walked back alone to my friends house, I felt more alone at that time. I didn't realize what had just happened. It would take me quite a few years to realize it. When I got back to my friends house, they yelled at me for leaving them. I wanted so much to tell them what had happened, but I knew they wouldn't understand. They saw things a different way then I did. All I told him was about the kissing. They laughed and giggled and told me that I had scored.

On they way back to my parent’s house I kept on thinking about how dirty I was and how could I let someone do this to me. He called me when I got home told me that I was great and he was so happy. I wanted to end it. I didn't want to see this monster again.

I started finding reasons to call it off. I would lie to him and tell him I was doing in school, and my parents had forbid me from seeing anyone. That only worked for a short time. He called my house one day and spoke to my mom. He told her that he would help me out with my schoolwork during lunch at school. She agreed and continued on letting me be with him. I felt so bad for not telling them the truth, I wanted to, but I was afraid of what they would do to me. He then started lecturing me on doing well in school, but after I graduated he would take care of me.

Then I remembered that he was jealous and said that if I ever had a guy friend he would break up with me. So I started becoming friends with guys, and I made him aware of this fact. It worked. He broke up with me.

I hadn't heard from him for two weeks. Jen told me he was calling her house asking what he did wrong, but she did not have the answers for him. Then he played on my weakness. He played on my insecurities. He called me up, and started telling me that he was the only one that ever loved me and would ever love me. I felt that he was right. So I gave in and went back to him.

All of this continued on with him making me feel like he was the only person who could love me. When I didn't want to do something, it was "If you loved me you would" The only plus during this whole time was that I hadn't seen him again. I made sure of that. I broke up with him again, and then he came crawling back. I never understood why I took him back. But the last time I told him I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted out. I blocked his number from my phone and asked Jen to do the same. She agreed, not understanding. I was rid of him. I never wanted to hear from him again.

Then about six months later I was at the State Fair, and one of my friends who knew nothing about him and me was on the phone. She yelled my name for something and I came running. The person on the other end recognized my name and my voice. She told me that Rodney wanted to talk to me. I froze, and then I ran. I ran to the bathroom and hid. I didn't know what to do. When I finally came out she was off the phone with him, and she told me that he said he still loves me and he wants me back. But this time I didn't want to go back.

One year down the road my friend Jen called me while I was working. She stated that Rodney had called her and told her that he had changed. He said he wanted to talk to me and just be friends. I told her to tell me the truth, because I did not believe that. She said that he told her that he still wanted to be with me. That he thought if I would see the way he changed that I would go back with him. I knew he had not changed because he asking her to lie to me. I said no, and that was that. I thought I never had to hear from him again.

Finally, out of school, I have a great job and I had not heard from him in a couple of years. I was 19 and feeling great. I was driving in the car with my brother and he said to me that a guy had called for me on our private line in my parent’s house. I asked him if he remembered the name of the person. He stated he did not. I asked him what he wanted. He told me that this guy stated him and I were friends. That we used to ride our bikes around the trailer park. I laughed; I reminded my brother that we never lived in a trailer park. He's like I know, but Jen did. Then it all came rushing to me. I felt like I was spiraling down a bottomless pit. I asked my brother how this guy got my number. He said that the guy was looking through the phone book and found it and decided to give an old friend a call. I asked my brother if his name was Rodney, and he's replied that was it. He asked me if I knew him. I answered my brother with this "Chip if he ever calls my house again please tell him that I want nothing do with him and if he calls again I will inform the police." My brother informed me a week later that Rodney called again, but my brother told him that if he ever calls again he will be needing a breathing tube to talk." I asked my brother why he had said that. He told me that he could tell I was afraid of this person, and he was not going to let anyone hurt me.

Now I am 25 and I have not heard from him again. But that experience has hurt me more then I will ever know. It was not until a couple of years ago that I realized that this monster had emotionally and verbally abused me. Not only that, but that he had molested me. It has hurt the way I look at relationships and it has taken me a long time to trust guys. Rodney as been in and out of Jail and is a registered sex offender. I found this out from the online database for my county. In some ways I feel bad, I think that I should have spoke up, but I just couldn't in fear of what might have happened.

I had just started trusting guys again, when my friend Stan came along.

To be continued...

(Names in this story have not been changed to protect the guilty)

posted by Kristin Michael @ 5:20 AM

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