Confessions of a.....: Innocent Conversations (Part 2)

Confessions of a.....

gamer-chick, tom-boy, artist, poet, hopeless-romantic, and much more.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Innocent Conversations (Part 2)

I had started working with Stan in 2000; he was a pretty cool guy. We hit it off instantly. We had a lot in common, and I would tell him about my troubles, and he would tell me about his. It was great. I had a guy friend that I could talk to and ask for advice about guys. It was never more than friendship, I knew it and he knew it. We never talked about dating, partly because he wasn’t attracted to me, and I knew he was an alcoholic. All of his stories always started with, “One time I was drunk and…” I could never be with someone like that mostly because I knew what alcohol did to people.

Stan ended up quitting his job in November 2002; I barely spoke to him after that. I would see him at the local bar and say hi and catch up, but that was about it. In May of 2003 our mutual friend from work was getting married and he was invited. I was excited to see Stan because it had been awhile. I never knew how the night would turn out.

At the reception Stan got hammered. I wanted to make sure he was okay so a lot of times I wouldn’t leave his side. Mostly I was afraid of what he would say. I didn’t help; he said a lot of things that hurt people, but never a bad word towards me. My sister and I drove him back to the hotel where we were staying to make sure he got there okay.

Later on that evening, before I was supposed to meet my friends in the lobby I got a knock at my door. It was Stan, he asked me if I wanted to talk and I agreed. I went back to his hotel room and we started talking. Every thing started of very innocent. I could tell he was still drunk, and I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t hurt himself so I stayed longer than I should have.

I was sitting in the chair that was adjacent from his bed when it all started. He kneeled down in front of me and started kissing me. At first I was shocked, then disgusted. It was one of the worst kisses I have received. It was sloppy and very disorganized. I tried to pull back, mostly because I couldn’t get up, as he was in front of me. He just leaned forward and grabbed my breast. I stopped kissing him and I said I had to leave. He told me that I had nowhere to go, so I should just stay. He picked me up from the chair and put me on the bed. He started kissing me again and got on top of me. He was stronger than I was so I couldn’t move. At this point I knew that I was stuck.

At that moment I heard a knock at the door. I was thrilled, it was my sister making sure I was all right; before I could answer he told her we were doing fine and just talking. My sister was smart and she new something was not right. When she left, he closed the door and pinned me on the wall and began to run his hands all over my body. I wanted to scream, but I knew that I couldn’t. He grabbed my arm and led me to the bed again. This time he started undressing me. I told him I didn’t want to do this, and he said we weren’t doing anything. But I knew that he was lying. He was still dressed and I at least had my undergarments on, and he climbed on top of me. I again told him no, and he said that it would be okay, and to trust him. I knew that couldn’t trust him. The alcohol blinded him.

This time there was not a knock at the door, I heard my name being called from the open door. All of a sudden; strength I never knew I had came to me. He told me not to leave, but I told him if I didn’t answer then they would come in and everything would be over. When I got to the door I noticed that the slider on the door was preventing the door from being closed. I got to the door and it was my friend Joan, she said that we were all doing downstairs and she was making sure I was coming. I told Stan I had to go, he wanted to stop me but he knew he couldn’t, as Joan was bigger then he was and she had my hand. I never told them what had happened. They always figured that they were saving me from myself, and at that time I couldn’t tell them otherwise. That night I lost trust in guys again. He never raped me but he came close, and I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me again.

The next morning there was a knock at the door. My sister answered it and it was Stan, he said he couldn’t remember anything from the night before and wanted us to let him know if he should be prepared for backlash. Since my sister didn’t know the truth she just told him about the reception. He stated, all he could remember was the first part of the reception, then waking up. I was pissed that he didn’t remember what he almost did to me. I wanted to scream at him, but I knew it would make things worse. So I just let everything go.

After the wedding, I started drinking. I would drink 4 to 5 times a week to escape reality. The next time I saw Stan was at the local bar, he came up and said to the group I was with, I got up, got me a drink and went outside. I wanted an apology, but I knew I wasn’t going to get one.

After five months of drinking, I finally realized what I was doing and I stopped. Since then I still drink, but not as much. I don’t do it to escape anymore. I found my art and writing a better escape. I have seen Stan a few time since then, and had a decent conversation with him. Mostly because I realized that I was over what had happened and I knew there was nothing I could do to change him. The last time I saw him, he confided that he had stopped drinking mostly because of his knew job. He was going to become a paramedic. I was happy for him. He had turned his life around.

Since the wedding I have explained to my sister and Joan of the circumstances that night. I told them I owed them so much, which I could not explain. I still don’t know how the door stayed opened that night. But I thank god that it did.

posted by Kristin Michael @ 1:29 AM

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